1000 Words On: Why Self-Love is Not Selfish.

Is self-love always a good thing?

What does it mean to love ourself? Does self-love have ramifications for those around us? for humanity?

Self-love is the relationship we have to ourself, me and myself and/or you and yourself. We have feelings and beliefs about ourselves, and a way that we treat ourself. Predictably, we treat ourself in accordance with what we think and feel about ourself.

If we are angry with ourself or feel guilt or shame we might believe we don’t deserve much. If we believe we are not good enough…not smart enough, not skilled enough, not attractive enough, not fill-in-the-blank enough…we will not treat ourselves as if we expect much. Self-talk can be critical, judgmental, the voice of someone who wants and expects us to be someone we aren’t. It results in low self-esteem, low self-worth and a general lack of self-love.

Who is this self…the person we relate to, have beliefs and feelings about and give love to…or not? What does it mean to love this person? Does it matter if this person is good at things, talented or hard-working or is attractive, able to find favor from others? Is self-love connected to self-approval, the feelings and beliefs that tell us we are OK, deserving of the love we give ourself? It is how we think about this self…our self…that we begin to find the answers to these questions.

If we are over-identified with ideas of who we are or the measures of what gives us approval, we are likely to find it difficult to find true self-love.

Self-love is a by-product of self-acceptance. It not the conditional acceptance that depends on our performance or some merits for good behavior. It is not dependent on how we look or how well we impress others. It is the acceptance of the whole of who we are, our flaws and short-comings, and all the ways we are learning about ourselves as we stumble through our lives, making mistakes as we go.

Self-acceptance occurs when we understand the difference between the ideas of who we are as compared to the experience of who we are. Ideas of who we are separate the two parts of ourselves.

One aspect of ourself becomes the voice of the boss, the internal executive function, who generates expectations of what we “should” be. The executive function guides us to be responsible to the idea of
who we “should” be by planning for the future, and by holding us accountable to expectations we have set for ourselves.

This aspect of ourself often includes our “inner critic”, measuring the difference between who we are and who we “should” be. Our “inner critic” has the potential to support the person we are, but also to undermine us, particularly if we are lacking self-approval for failing to be what we “should”.

The other aspect of who we are might be thought of as our “inner child”, the part of us that the executive function is influencing to be what we “should” be.

The inner child is more-or-less compliant with the executive function based on how the “inner critic” treats this aspect of the self. The inner child is responding to the messages that come from the executive function, particularly the inner critic.

When the criticism is constructive, is supportive of the growth and development of the inner-child, and has realistic expectations, the two parts of the self become a team. But when the inner critic is harsh and
hurtful it diminishes the inner-child’s ability to feel Ok enough to live up to the expectations of the executive function.

This can easily become a reinforcing pattern, the more the inner-child fails to meet the expectations of the executive function, the harsher the inner critic becomes and the more the inner child feels disempowered to be acceptable to themselves.

Self-love comes from self-acceptance. Without changing our performance, our appearance or becoming what we “should” be, we can come to love ourself as we are. This is the unconditional love that separates the idea of who we are from the person who is experiencing life as we go.

We could say that unconditional love is the love of the essence of who we are…which is different from the performance or the image of who we are. The essence is part of the life stream, the way that each of us gives a unique
form to the experience of living life.

Unconditional self-love does not carry guilt or shame and is not overly-critical, but rather sees ourselves as innocent, learning as we go, flawed and human.

There is a freedom that comes from true self-love. It is the freedom to live without the limitations that keep us down…feeling small and unworthy. True self-love is not selfish.

It allows the best aspects of humanity to replace the worst. Instead of guilt, shame, frustration, anger, fear and anxiety we can experience compassion and empathy for ourselves and others. Instead of seeing what is wrong and using criticism to correct it, we can give compliments and kindness, understanding the constructive ways that help people to feel good about themselves.

When we feel Ok, it is natural to learn, to follow our curiosities and to want to improve and grow. We also want to empower others, understanding that we are connected as participants in what is possible for humanity.
True self-love is not easy.

We have been taught from a young age to identify with our performance, being rewarded when we do things well and punished when we don’t. We are constantly exposed to ways of seeing ourselves through the lens of a camera, comparing ourselves to those around us and the social standards that are promoted as appealing.

To find self-acceptance we need to look inward, but the social media world is vested in keeping our attention on the stimulation it provides. True self-love takes a willingness to separate from the influence of others to be ourselves.